Job

For all of those lost in terms of their faith, their spirit, or their understanding of good and evil read Job. It's quickly becoming my favorite book in the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament). Job poses all the questions that have anything to do with 'why bad things happen to good people' and 'if God is all good, how can their be evil?' What's so glorious, is that in the end, God offers no answers, no definites. Now, mind you, the voice of God was writen by some men, but I love anything ambiguous. So much of our lives focus on being right, knowing what's what, and pretending that we have all the answers. Fuck that, we're humans; we're fallible and easily distracted. How anyone can stand at a pulpit, on a pedastal, a soapbox, or behind a national or presidential seal and say they know every answer outright, without question or waiver is utter bullshit. I say that we should try to let go of our endless, exhausting search for order and answers in this land of chaos and multiplicity. Look beyond our own noses or belly buttons and try to see that there just might not be any RIGHT answers, and that creating simply black and white order is a futile exercise. I know it leaves you in an uncomfortable and tight spot, but just try it once in awhile. Figure out what's important to you, recognize that it might not be important to others, and start building your life from there. I don't offer this as an answer, or as a 'this is what you should do' statement, but more as a challenge- for you and for me.

Now that I've ranted and raved, and undoubtedly pissed someone off, maybe you would like to share a response. Please feel free.

Study Break

So, I'm in the middle of studying for the most daunting of my three finals. Actually, middle isn't a very accurate description seeing that I've been studying since Thursday and the exam is tomorrow. Alright, let's say this, I'm in the final stretch of my studying. Anyway, I needed a bit of a break, so I turned to my often ignored blog, in part because of the encouragement of a friend to post more.

In the last week it has become quite clear how large a two year age gap can truly be. There are a number of students in my class that have come to grad school directly out of undergrad. When I first realized this, it just made me feel old, having myself worked for two years between undergrad and now. However, as of late, and because of many of my most recent interactions, I am grateful for those two years. I don't want to assert that every twenty-two year old in this program is immature, or that every 24+ student is a pillar of elderly wisdom, as neither statement is true. All that being said I would like to share a few personal observations.

I am grateful for my time away from school because it has helped me to learn how to act more as an adult, and, more importantly, how to interact with other adults. All of a sudden, coming back to school is somewhat like being in high school all over again. The cliques, the back handed comments, the exclusion, the 'you don't believe what I believe,' or 'you don't think how I think' ideologies run rampant, and control too many people's interactions. I've always been one of those people who's been on the fringes of all of that stuff, always flowing back and forth between this group or that. Unfortunately, most of my life could also be defined by my need to be 'part' of one of those groups, just so I could find some sort of validation for my existence. For the first time possibly ever, I don't find myself trying or caring to fit into any group. There are certainly some folks I hang out with, but no one that I cling to.

In my old age I have also found that, while I hold very strongly to my beliefs, I grow more and more willing to hear people out, and less likely to jump on someone's case. I want very much to have intense discussions and debates with folks, but so far, people seem less than willing to really open up.

Somewhat in contrast to that, I find that the older I get the blunter I get. I don't feel like I have the time to mince words anymore. You make me feel unwelcome, I'll tell you. I think you're being an ass, I'll tell you. While I will try not to insult or belittle another's beliefs, if they can't be civil or reasonable in explaining themselves, I have less and less resevation about telling someone to chill the attitude.

However, I have to say that my favorite of all is that my spelling is finally getting better. About damn time.

All of these things are traits that I know I didn't fully possess two years ago (not that I 'fully' possess them now). The only thing that I can deduce that during the two years between undergrad and now, I grew. Shocking realization I know, but I feel like it's not often that one can actually look back on the past and concretely see major differences in world view, attitude, and action. Generally, it all gets lost in some blur...at least for me it does.